GROW UP MY SISTERS

He won’t use condoms, U use pills.. why? Because he wants it natural? (think of ovarian cancer and infertility).
He gets u pregnant, U have aborted like 5 times.. why? Because he is not ready! GROW UP!
He is tired of e natural place for copulation, He moves to your ass Saying 'its tighter' Then u begin to leak n smell.. why? Because u want to please and not loose him... GROW UP!

Teacher Fell Asleep In Class

Teacher Fell Asleep In Class And A Little Naughty Boy Walked Up To Him,
Little Boy : “Teacher Are You Sleeping In Class?”
Teacher : “No I Am Not Sleeping In Class.”
Little Boy : “What Were You Doing Sir ?”
Teacher : ” I Was Talking To God.”
The Next Day The Naughty Boy Fell Asleep In Class And The Same Teacher Walks Up To Him Teacher : “Young Man, You Are Sleeping In My Class.”
Little Boy : “No Not Me Sir, I Am Not Sleeping.”
Angry Teacher: “What Were You Doing.??”
Little Boy : “I Was Talking To God.”
Angry Teacher: “What Did He Say??”
Little Boy : “God Said He Never Spoke To You Yesterday” :P :D

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Patience

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and a beautiful woman:

Akpos : Marry me?
Woman: Do you have a flat?

Akpos: No.

Woman: Do you have an SUV car?

Akpos: No.
Woman: How much is your salary?

A Husband working in abroad wrote to his wife
Dear Honey Darling, I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband.
His wife replied Hey hubby Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk
2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses

Mail accidentaly goes to a widow

A man checked into a hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed d wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading d first message she fainted.

Husband gone wild :D

WOMAN: My Husband is not interested in sex.
DOCTOR: OK! give these pills to him.Everyday, put 1 pill in his tea. 

The woman did and they had sex which they enjoyed. 
Next day she puts 2 pills in his tea and they enjoyed much more sex. 
3rd day, she emptied the whole bottle in his tea. …


Two days later Doctor called to know the progress. Son picked and replied: "Mom is in
coma at the moment, Aunt is in hospital, Maid is suing Dad for rape, My own ass hurts and bleeding and Dad is still running naked in the garden, shouting Bingo! Bingo!! Bingo!!! but the dogs are no where to be found....

Cute or What?

Girlfriend : hey . . babe , how much
do you love me ?
Boyfriend : alot ♥ ♥
Girlfriend: how much ?
Boyfriend : to infinity & beyond ♥ .
Girlfriend: oh . . okay . .
Boyfriend : why baby ?
Girlfriend : oh nothing , I just
wanted to know . .
Boyfriend : is there something
wrong ?
Girlfriend : no , it's just that . .
Boyfriend : what ?

Lie Detector Robot

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.

He decides 2 test it at dinner.

Dad : Son, where were u today during school hours ?

Son : At School. Robot slaps son! Ok, I lied, I went to the movies.

Dad : Which one ?

Son : Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was porn movie.

Dad : What ?! When I was your age, I never watched such films....Robot slaps Dad!

Mom : Ha ha! After all he's your son.

Robot slaps mom!!

Total silence..!! :O..... 



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Best Divorce Letter

Dear wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case,
I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

——

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that’s not a problem.

The reason I got divorced.

Last week i had my birthday, My wife didn't wish me, My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work, Even my colleagues didn't wish me....
As i entered my cabin my secretary said," Happy Birthday Boss" I felt so special, She asked me out to lunch.

After lunch,she invited me to her apartment.
WE went there,
She said in a sexy voice,"Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"OKAY", i said nervously
She came out 5 min later with a cake and My Wife, My Parents, My Kids, My Friends and My Colleagues...

All Screaming, SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
And I was waiting on the sofa....... NAKED!

Son and Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ' Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, butI knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad . She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the community, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad , I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grand children.
Love,
Your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad , none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home :)

Hairy Monkey lol

An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her Mom about the hair.

Her mom calmly said. "That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."


Next morning at breakfast she told her sister. "My monkey has grown hair.

"Her sister smiled and said. "that's nothing, mine is already eating banana's."
Her Mom fainted

Old man with high hopes.

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.

Doctor : “Ummm, Pap, how are you feeling ?”

Old Man : “Great,”. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”

Doctor ( Confused & Concerned)
“Pap, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but he was in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his Gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”

Old Man : (Surprise) “What ?!” “Why ? that is impossible! Some one else must have shot the lion.”

Doctor : (Laughing) “Exactly Pap!” Just wana reactivate your Brain about your Pregnant 18yrs Old Wife Sir..

Never Blame The Dog lol

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!":)

Akpors Kidnapped

Akpors was kidnap on his way back from school,
so he was told by the kidnappers to give them the phone number of his father..
But akpors gave them the phone number of a police officer,
`here is the number',akpors says`081-9999-2224'..

the kidnapper's boss types the number on his phone and calls the line,
*phone ringing*
Police:helo.
Boss:helo.
Police:please who are you???,and how can i help you??..
Boss:we are kidnappers,and we just kidnapped  your son..
The Police man says to himself`but i have no son'..
police:well,wha­t do you want from me?..
Boss:we want you to send us two hundred & fifty thousand dolas or else we will kill your son..
Police:ok what should i do?..
Boss:ok now come along with the money to Odenga street @ uncompleted building near chief Ibekwe's storey building,and when coming come alone
police:okay..
*call ended*
In the evening around 7:pm,the police went to the uncompleted building with some police men,but he went inside the uncompleted building alone with a white sack while the other police men fenced the whole building..
Police:here is the money..
Boss:good one,now take your son & leave immediately..
*the police brought out his gun and pointed towards the boss face & the other police men then came inside the building & arrested all the kidnappers...
:
:
:
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Akpors

Phone Rings....
GIRL: Hello
Akpors: My luv how r u doing?
GIRL: Am fine
Akpors: Will you be less busy by weekend to come to my house?
GIRL: I m sorry I cant make it because I will be attending my aunty's wedding and the nextday is thanks giving, I’m so occupied...
*Akpors wanted getting the truth from her*
Akpors:OoOhk.i was just planning to take you out for shopping to suprise you with black berry-torch and the brazillian hair u've been asking for..
GirL:i will be coming :-) and ­ i may even spend the weekend if u want my love.
Akpors:what about the wedding???.
GirL:which wedding? I was just joking..
Akpors:Me too..
 
How many shares for Akpors

Toilet lol

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the next toilet
saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'I am Doing' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

Funny Daughter and dad

 LOL

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him,"Daddy,
what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets." So, he sitsher down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.He tells her about conception,sexual intercourse, sperms and

eggs. He tells her about puberty,

Awesome cartoons

 Which was/which is your favorite?

The funny court

The judge says to a double-homicide

­ defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.":)